A major part of my coaching practice is helping clients deal with their relationship problems at work. Since I also do life coaching and since several of my clients are couples and members of their family the relationship factor is a major coaching area for me when dealing with their personal lives.

Regardless, relationships are at the heart of any work environment. Good and positive relationship within your ecosystem—especially within your workgroup—can be a strong factor in your ability to succeed in what you do. Difficult relationships create unnecessary friction between the two parties at odds and can result in chronic stress for both parties with inevitable harm to their organization in lost productivity, lack of trust, and less than engaged workforce.

The work relationships span anyone and everyone in their working ecosystem, sometimes even their suppliers and customers. Often these relationship tensions develop over time and when brittle relationships reach a breaking point it is difficult to restore them to normal, which can result in consequences that may even result in your having to leave your job or to transfer internally where you can get to start over. In such cases the person leaving carries with them a long shadow of their past, which can often continue to haunt them for a long time.

Many people dismiss this relationship hurdle they have with others as episodic and rationalize it by saying to themselves that this is an isolated incidence and I don’t expect this to repeat in my next job. This is where they are wrong!

Why?

Granted, some relationship hiccups can be isolated and can be specific to certain interactions and personalities; more often, there is a pattern that repeats across a broad spectrum of interactions. This is where someone facing this recurring problem must take a deeper look at themselves and decide how they are going to deal with it in a way that changes their ongoing interactions with others and allow them to have productive relationships with those that matter.

So, what are some of the factors to look for in early stages of your relationships with others and what causes these relationships to go from strong to barely functional to brittle to sour?

This blog is about how to take charge of your relationships with others and how to manage them so that you stay in control of your interactions with others and in how you are able to get what you need from those relationships. There are strategies that allow you to turnaround a deteriorating relationship by confronting it in a constructive way and by taking charge of the root-cause, turn it around to make it productive and vibrant again. This, however, requires a specific and diligent effort.

In my own coaching experience I found the following to be the main factors in most relationship dynamic and the ways to keep those factors in check.

Here is my list:

A. Communication

Misunderstanding and miscommunication are the most common reasons for souring relationships. Many times it is the person’s style of communication, but it can also be their language preference. Those who struggle with English and for whom it is a second language (ESL) their interactions with fluent speakers of English can limit them in how they are able to communicate and how they are able to express their thoughts in a productive way. So, for this factor here are my tips to improve your communication and to help maintain healthy, reciprocal—not one sided—relationships with others:

1. If you struggle with English learn how to improve your language skills by making an effort beyond just working hard at the assigned task and your job responsibilities to make yourself a better communicator. There are many resources for ESL candidates and many of these resources are free. Make an effort to improve your English (or whatever language that is used in your business environment) to be proficient and become fluent in your communication with those around you. Your ability to forcefully articulate your views and your ability to stand up to anyone in your organization, including your superiors, alone can change the way others see you and treat you.
2. Immigrants and those shy about expressing themselves often believe that if they work hard and not argue with their peers and superiors others will see their value and treat them with respect. This is a misguided notion. Unless you are able to stand up for yourself and assertively make a point about what you need and what you want to communicate you’ll often suffer from getting the short end of the stick. Those with superior language and rhetorical skills often cudgel those around them who struggle with it and boss them around merely on the basis of their superior language skills. Don’t let them get away with it!
3. If someone is unfair about their view of you and use that view to disadvantage you, at work or outside, make sure that you confront them on it. Recently, one of my clients was doing a great job in her role and the CEO told her so, many times. But, when it came time for her executive promotion he insisted that he needed someone with more “gravitas.”She was upset that she was going to lose the chance she deserved for that promotion and came to me asking for how to deal with this hurdle. We decided to confront the CEO to explain what that term meant to him and what qualities she was lacking in rising up to his expectations. When confronted this directly the CEO slinked away from discussing this further and blundered his way through some specious explanation. When she told him that it did not make any sense, he backed away and promoted her. Without that confrontation she would have come short on two fronts: Always left feeling that she lacked “gravitas,” and would have ended up working for someone when she deserved that promotion hands-down. From then on the CEO started respecting her even more! Now she had that “gravitas.”

B. Interactions

In many relationships initial interactions set the tone of how the two people involved are going to interact with each other. Some have the desire to dominate a relationship and this approach becomes apparent if you are aware of their approach to building a new relationship. They start small and slow, but quickly ratchet up their relationship demands in unequivocal and aggressive, even hostile way. They throw around big names as if you should cow-tow to them just because of their claim of such relationships with the higher-ups in the organization or business. When you are dealing with such an ersatz showpiece and a vacuous bully here are my suggestions:

1. Catch them when they are starting out small and slow, and stop them in their tracks before they escalate their relationship demands from you that you find offensive. For example, when you are new to your job a peer stops by and starts throwing their weight around by dominating verbally and then saying to you, I’d like to stop by your office @ 6:00 PM and give you a short assignment to get you familiar with our workflow. Instead of agreeing to this bully if you respond by saying, I leave at 5:00 and if you want to give me something to do please pass it through my boss first. Unless you do this in the first encounter with this bully you’ll forever be their obedient slave.
2. Toxic interactions are also hard to control. As you encounter toxic people (I estimate that about 10% of people from a general population are toxic to varying degrees, so beware!) first acknowledge that you are now dealing with one of those who belong to the 10% group and that there a cost you have to pay in investing in that relationship.Often the cost is YOU. Then ask yourself do you want to be paying this cost and how can you get some benefit from it if you do have to pay this cost. Learn how to say NO to those who expect you to pay that cost just to be interacting with them. When people exhibit toxic behavior it is a sign that something about them is amiss or broken. If you can accept what is broken in them that is causing them to act this way you may be able to accommodate their misbehavior by adjusting your expectations accordingly (translation: don’t expect a gallon of understanding from someone how can only exhibit a quart of consideration). In dealing with toxic people remember this quote from Carl Jung: To show a person their shadow you must first show their light.
3. Many interactions are a reflection of your own behavior towards a person with whom you are dealing. So, before you start seeing what is wrong with the way they are treating you, ask yourself first how you are treating them. By making small positive changes in your interactions with those around you, whom you find objectionable, see how the tables turn when you change your own attitude towards them.

Most relationships are forged out of how you see yourself and by your own self-esteem. If you can manage yourself in your interactions with others you’d be amazed how others fall in place for you to succeed in what you set out to do!

Good luck!