It is not our failures that haunt us, but it is the regrets that we harbor about those failures that do. So, while the former is often not in our control, the latter is!

I thought of constructing this quote after watching the short video interview that Jill Schlesinger of CBS conducted with James Althucher. It is posted on LinkedIn’s slideshare.net

In my coaching practice I often see many clients wearing their regrets on their sleeves as they come to me for help when they feel stuck, defeated, overslaughed, or when they get overwhelmed by the short runway they have left in their career before they can achieve what they often dreamt about. In a recent Allianz study about regrets professionals have about their careers the following statistics reveals how pervasive the feeling of regrets is for most on various fronts:
39% regret not following their dreams
38% regret not taking risks in their life
36% regret not taking risks in their new jobs
Although each category above is not orthogonal to the others (e.g., some of those not following their dreams also did not take enough risks in their new jobs) the results of this study reminds us of how we live our lives (of regrets) and how we become victims of our own past by dwelling on those regrets. As Althucher points out in that conversation it is not the failures that kill us (the first arrow in our back), but it is the regrets that keep haunting us afterwards (many arrows of constant regrets that we inflict on ourselves) that do.

In my Client Intake Questionnaire one item that clients often respond to is centered around the regrets they harbor about their past. Most respond to this by listing the risks that they did not take, especially when they realize, looking back, that some risks would have been worth taking. Some clients are even unable to move forward, not because of their failure, but how that failure appears to their “friends” and their “loved” ones. They often fail to realize that such people are often too busy with their own lives to give much thought to others’ station in their lives. Here, too, the sense of schadenfreude they fear their “friends” will relish is also of their own making.

So, here is my advice when the regrets you harbor from your past paralyze you enough to not take actions today to move forward in a positive direction:

1. We all have many failures from the past to ruminate on. So, instead of focusing on all your failures, focus on the few that really had a lesson of growth and analyze what you would do differently only on those few that really matter. Use that learning to grow your perspective and guide others with that shared learning. When you are guiding others with your lessons, tell them your personal story and make that conversation intimate and authentic.
2. Get rid of all regrets you have about the “lesser” failures and replace them with the lessons of the ones that really helped you grow. Actively work on shedding the “regrets clutter” with which you crowd your mind.
3. Look at all your successes in your own life and put them in perspective. When you make a balance sheet of your successes and failures, you’ll realize that the fact that you’re at a point in your life able to do this audit is alone source of your success. Let that thought propel you forward in a positive direction.
4. Stay away from those who constantly brag about their successes and flaunt their achievements in every interaction you have with them. When you are feeling low and your self-esteem has taken a beating avoid cavorting with such individuals. Instead, work with those less fortunate and share your own failures with them and how you overcame them. You’ll find this much more empowering than mingling with your schadenfreude club.
5. Make a realistic plan for moving forward in a direction that energizes you and apply all your energies to making that plan work for you. Get the support of those close to you and make them part of that plan.

Recovering from past failures is mostly a psychological battle; a battle you can win because it is entirely within your control how you want to play it. So, if you are in a funk because of your past failures, reboot and start a new chapter in your life and move forward with force and confidence!

Good luck!