Tweet: One of the key elements in human interactions is your likeability. Follow the 10 rules & improve your likeability; see how it works for you! After working with over 6,000 clients globally and having had a few careers myself (I’m now in my fifth career) one single success factor stands out in my experience that trumps almost all others: Personal Likeability. Dictionary defines “likeability” as pleasant, friendly, and easy to like. Some also call it “charm.” I think that charm is an elevated level of likeability. Time and again I find clients and people getting what they pursue not just because they were qualified to attain it, but also because those who mattered in their interactions liked them and were willing to grant them what they wished. The opposite is also true: No matter how qualified you are for a given role or position, if those willing to let you have what you seek, do not like you, it is game over for you! Most people do not realize that the choices they make don’t shape their life as much as choices other people make about them, which is mostly based on how much they like you! As an extreme example I remember a character in the TV series Get Smart in the 1970s. Get Smart was a spoof on the then popular James Bond franchise, in which Agent 86 (James Bond’s bumbling, accident-prone perverted alter-ego in this series) is always screwing up his assignments, but somehow accomplishing each mission in the end. In one episode they introduced a character, Simon the Likeable, who was an affable old man wearing a beret and with a twinkle in his eyes. In his character Simon the Likeable was quintessentially the epitome of likeability. No one could say no to him, no matter where he went and what he asked for, including top-secret government agencies. He always got what he wanted. Of course, he worked on the other side (for Kaos!) and agent Smart had to deal with him (he couldn’t!). Parody aside, Likeability is a key attribute for anyone in business and for anyone who relies on social interactions for their livelihood, let alone their success. Over the years, I’ve read many books and articles on negotiations, including salary and other elements in a new job or even in your existing job. One factor that is common across all the authors’ exhortations is the constant refrain to their readers: Throughout your interactions from the get-go make sure that those in the decision loop like you as you cross your hurdles and qualify yourself through the selection process. I find this also during interview debriefs I get from my clients. If they have ingratiated well with the interviewer and made all the right moves (see the list below) they get a helping hand when they fumble. In contrast, when they do the opposite, despite their snappy responses to interview questions (“I was able to answer every single question, but still did not get that job”) they failed to cross the “likeability chasm.” Often, in such cases the selection process is waiting for them to fumble, even just once, to catch their wrong and to reject them. So, what do you have to do to be likeable? Here is my list. This list is derived from my own experience and on how people make their choices in selecting whom they want to associate with or help. Being able to answer all interview questions (as an instance) is mere table stakes; being also likeable can be the tipping point: Be aware of your image. This means how you come across to others and how they perceive you as their first impression. Once you are aware of this projection you can soften (if you need to) your edges and learn how to connect with people in a more positive way. Learning to smile and to show genuinely being glad as you shake the other person’s hand can be a good start. Learn how to listen well. This is one of the most underrated skills in a human interaction. When you are listening to the other person manage your body language to show that you are responding to how they are communicating. You can do this through your body motions, facial expressions, eyes, and other physical vocabulary (nodding your head). Learn how to pick up on subtle (and not so subtle) signals. If the other person is telling you a story about what happened when he first met his CEO in another country and inserts, as he is narrating his story, how he lost is passport going from the airport, do not forget to ask after the main anecdote is done, how he dealt with the lost passport in a foreign land by saying something at the end of your conversation, “by the way, how did you deal with that lost passport?” Be authentic, always. During interviews, especially, candidates have a tendency to inflate their accomplishments. Some even will go out of the way to package what they want to say to come across as what they perceive the other person wants to hear. This compromises your authenticity. When you do that you inevitably get trapped in some other place where the contradiction in what you said and what you are now saying jumps out to the interviewer. Once you lose your credibility it is game over for you. Learn how to tell your story truthfully and honestly. People will like you more if you show your vulnerabilities and tell them what you learned from your failures. Make yourself relatable to the other person. This is called ethos (I am like you). At a human level we are all equal. So, without taking a big detour in your exploration try to find little things that connect you with the other person and without trumpeting the similarities let the other person say to themselves, you’re just like me. Empathy is the ability to mentally, psychologically, or emotionally identifying oneself (and, so, fully comprehending) another person. It is not pity or sympathy, which stem from feeling sorry for the other person. Rather, it is feeling sorry WITH someone. This is a learned skill. Self-control has to do with your ability to not get excited in a conversation where your emotions rule what you do. For example, if the other person is taking a point of view on a particular topic of discussion and you do not agree with it, then there is a discord. If you now take a strong view of this disagreement and get emotionally carried away, you have lost it. Self-control is an important element of emotional intelligence. Be respectful to the other person. So, in #7 above if you disagree with the other person you can do that without becoming disagreeable. This, too, is a learned skill. In such situations learning to smile and injecting some humor in the argument can quickly defuse the situation. Show your value. In any interaction, especially in a business context, you can hold the other persons’ interest as long as they are able to see the value you bring in that interaction and the future (potential) relationship with you. Unless you are clearly able to articulate that value in your conversations with them this important—even critical—element will remain unaddressed. So, any chances you get keep hammering away at your value proposition. Make a memorable point. This final element has to do with your ability to talk less and listen more in such conversations. So, if you spend time thinking about what the other person is saying and talk less in the process you have a better chance of capturing that person’s essence of what they are saying. If you are able to then respond back to that person with something that they will take away as memorable or witty you will have succeeded in making an impression on that person. Being likeable is an integral part of this element. So, there you have it. Likeability is not something mysterious or unattainable because you lack something that is obvious and missing—good looks, witty personality, or some other endowment. It is a learned skills and easily conquerable. Try it! Good luck!