All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. –James Thurber, writer and cartoonist (1894–1961)

Clients often come to me when they cannot deal with their own problems in a constructive way. In most cases it is a problem that makes them feel powerless in dealing with it forthrightly. Typically, such problems run the gamut: From an insufferable boss, to a perfidious colleague, to a dominant power player that makes their life miserable, to a neighbor who interferes with their quiet enjoyment, just to name a few. Almost all of these issues are work/people related. Since I am also a life coach, clients often bring their personal problems into our discussions and expect me to give them a “silver-bullet” to vanquish their ills.

In most cases of such problems a typical response or reaction is to run away from them, where work-related problems are involved. Bad boss: look for a new one in another company; back-stabbing colleague, transfer to another group; no raise for three years straight, start looking outside, and on and on. As I have written many times before, most of the work-related problems stem from lack of proper relationship management.

The problem with running away from them is that they repeat themselves in yet another form when you transplant yourself into a different situation. As long as you are dealing with people, no matter where you go, these are problems that will repeat themselves, perhaps in a different form, but with a familiar theme. Most of these problems stem from the basic, inevitable human nature that cannot be avoided by running away from them. Translation: The problem is NOT other people; it is YOU, unless you learn how to deal with it!

When it comes to problems related to personal issues: a jealous spouse, a recalcitrant child, a difficult neighbor, a nosy in-law, and on and on the strategies here seem to be either avoidance or an inevitable temper flare-up that often results in damaged relationships, sometimes permanently so. In the absence of these strategies the tension and stress—perhaps on both sides—often becomes unbearable and leading to an unsustainable happy living—a life of quiet enjoyment. What a terrible price to pay for someone’s predilection for running away from their existential problems that require handling them head-on!

So, what is my advice to clients in such situations? Here is my approach:

Work

1. Annoying Colleague: First, analyze the problem with a detached perspective and evaluate if how you see the problem is how it can be objectively presented. So, instead of calling Jim—your esteemed colleague—a jerk, reframe that assessment with a more objective statement of the situation (see, I did not label this a problem): “Jim gets into my lab experiments without asking me and takes carefully set up equipment for his own experiments, leaving me both stranded and having to re-establish where I left off with the experiment, often wasting my valuable time.” You are afraid to confront Jim because he is irascible and temperamental in how he interacts with everyone around him. You are, by nature, a person who does not like personal confrontations even when you have been wronged. So, how do you deal with this situation?

   Although you are tempted to complain to your boss about Jim and ask her to intervene on your behalf it is unlikely that Jim will fundamentally change his approach to you. If your boss complains to him about you, he may accommodate your needs, but then he may get passive aggressive and make your life hell from then on. You can also just look for another lab and boss to work with in the same company, but that lab, too, will have another Jim or an avatar of him in different manifestation of this Jim!

   The best way out of this is to either catch Jim in the act—a remote possibility—or to request a meeting with him by email. “Jim: You and I need to talk about a problem we are having in my conducting experiments with the equipment in our lab. We seem to have a conflict because of limited equipment and it is hurting us both in getting our experiments completed in a timely and orderly way. Can we meet to talk about this in the next day or so? Please let me know.” Giving Jim a chance to reflect on the situation may help him get less defensive about what he does and you may have a more productive meeting. In this meeting you bring up the facts about the events and impact they created in completing your mission. Then clearly lay out expectations and agree with Jim moving forward how this is going to work for you both. Confronting Jim without this or such email may not be a productive meeting.

2. Dysfunctional Boss: If it is someone at a higher level, including your boss that is affecting your work, take a dispassionate view of what is happening and how it is affecting you. Generally, in such situations there is list of issues that interfere with a constructive relationship and smooth, frictionless workflow. In such cases make a list of all such factors that make you irritable, less productive, and stressed. In fact, make a list for each of the few such categories and then prioritize your “grievances.” Focus only on systemic and repeat themes that get in the way of everyday workflow, which if addressed would make you more productive, happy, and engaged in what you do. Eliminate all the sporadic and occasional lapses in their behaviors, as we all have our own idiosyncrasies. But, when these misfires repeatedly get in the way of a productive relationship then they must be addressed.

   For example, one of clients working as a project manager on a software development project has a boss that is a micromanager. He attends the daily Scrum meetings and undermines my client by challenging each decision he makes in front of the entire team. The team gets confused as to who is in charge and whom to follow. It delays milestone delivery and the boss holds my client responsible for this. This is freaking out my client and he wants to quit.

   The best way to deal with this situation is to meet with the boss and show how this approach is delaying HIS project and how it is confusing HIS team. So, instead of martyring yourself to the plight of a dysfunctional boss, it is best to show how their behavior is undermining their own agenda. Confronting such bosses with your plight and your stress does not work because they do not care about your suffering.

3. Raise/Promotion during APR: This is a more frequent occurrence for most professionals. What typically happens is that during the Annual Performance Review (APR) the client gets railroaded into accepting a sub-par assessment by the newbie boss and is blindsided by the egregious review, completely contradicting their otherwise stellar performance.

   Although it is a hard climb to rectify a negative APR, once it is written-up it should not stop you from bringing to the meeting your goals from the last APR and your agreement with the departed boss. Supplementing this with some kudos from those who have worked with you as recipients of your work helps neutralize the situation and puts the new manager in a negative light. Escalating the complaint to the skip-level boss and then to HR usually disabuses the process, although you may NOT get any direct relief with a more positive write-up as a correction. After you have made your point dispassionately put this APR matter behind you and sit down with the new boss for a fresh look ahead at the next cycle. Your next review with this boss is likely to be more favorable to make up for this egregious lapse on their part with the current review.

4. Uncooperative colleagues in your ecosystem: Most functional areas in a company work within the ecosystem of other areas and cooperation among teams is critical to the success of both the business and your own career or job. It is not uncommon for some to hold a parochial view of their role and sub-optimize their actions for their immediate and transactional benefit. They are typically so focused on their own image, welfare, and success that they often end up trampling a bigger cause that helps their company, customers, and others around them. Such behavior often ends up throttling your own agenda and success.

   When you encounter such refractory behavior, instead of going to their boss, and lodging a complaint against them—their boss may be abetting this behavior—it is best to work with them to show how they can benefit by teaming with you in a positive way and how it will help a greater cause, making them a hero in the process. Promise them to write a glowing, praiseworthy email touting their exceptional dedication and help in getting certain task done or in accomplishing a major objective that was important to the company (and to you). Make sure that such an email goes to the higher ups in your company. In most cases when they see this benefit they will go out of their way to now cooperate with you and stay loyal to your cause!

5. Organizational bullies: There is a class of people in many organizations that engage in bullying others, which sometimes even include harassment or sexual misconduct. In such cases, too, it is best to confront them head-on and openly and directly tell them how you see their behavior and how it is affecting your work. Going to their boss or others (HR) without first confronting them is not always the best strategy. Tell them that if their offensive continues you plan to escalate your concerns to the higher ups, including HR. This is often a good deterrent to such bullies.

Personal

6. Immediate family: Immediate family members are the most difficult to deal with when their ongoing behavior gets in the way of your own well-being. Dealing with such dysfunction or lapses can be quite stressful and can cause you much grief. Sometimes, these observations stem from a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of some behavior that the offending family member is engaged in. The best approach to deal with it is to bring it up with some preface, so that the offending person is aware of your discomfiture and that you need to better understand what is going on.

   In a recent case of a client where he suspected that his wife was being unfaithful to him, he was distraught over how to deal with it, and, for more than a year kept seething over his suspicions without bringing it up with her. So, instead of verbally confronting the situation we felt that the best approach would be to send her an email asking for a “date” with her to discuss their marriage and what could be improved in their relationship for a happier life. In this email he was not specific about his concerns, but his wife recognized that this matter needed to be addressed. On their “date” they discussed what was on his mind, opening up a new avenue for them to discuss their marriage and what they needed to do to move forward. Although this was not easy or pleasant for either one, they are both now more aware of each other’s priorities and are working through their issues. With other members of the family a similar approach can also work.

7. Neighbors and Relatives: When neighbors or relatives on either side of the family are involved you have a choice of either avoiding them or confronting them with the issues that need to be addressed. Although direct and open communication of issues is the best approach to deal with the issues, it is not always easy to have such dialogs because they are not easy. So, the best strategy is to decide for yourself if you want to deal with it or avoid and ignore such transgressions. Life is too short to fret over such matters without putting them out of your lives!

So, the next time you have a problem at work or a personal relationship with those who matter to you do NOT run away from your problems. Instead, make an analysis of what is really going on, how it is affecting you personally, and figure out the best strategy to deal with it head-on. In such dialogs try using the “I” language instead of the “you” language. Such an approach often makes these discussions easier to manage. You’ll feel better about yourself, get rid of some stress, and lead a happier life.

Good luck!