I have clients, who complain that their “friends” at work are sapping their energy, interfering with their work, and making it difficult for them to succeed. These friends are their peers, colleagues, and others who work in the same work group as my client. They engage in skullduggery, subterfuge, and back-stabbing all the while they sport a broad smile as they greet you each day at work! These relationships become particularly toxic when the “friend” is more focused on getting what they want at your expense and sweet-talking you into believing that they are doing it to help you.

When you ask them how this is going to help, they condescendingly respond by saying “you’ll see!” When you go to them and raise your concerns about what is happening to you and to your career as a result of their “help,” their immediate knee-jerk response is “ as your friend let me tell how this is going to work well for you.” They are good at clubbing you with their “friendship” to shut you up.

Hmmm!

What makes this difficult for some of my clients is their colleague’s charm, cunning, and strong communication skills when it comes to having a discussion about their relationships. They are really good at making you feel inferior and using that advantage to one-up you. Some of them even use their relationships with their bosses to further their agenda under the guise of this “friendship.” So, what is my guidance to my clients in such situations?

 Here is a summary of what works:

1. The first step in this toxic and destructive relationship spiral is your being aware of it that this is happening. Many go through their lives thinking that what is happening to them must be a good thing because their “friend” is taking care of them. So, the first step in recovery is awareness. If they constantly make you feel inferior in your relationship with them remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: No one makes you feel inferior without your consent!
2. It is difficult to suddenly change your relationship with your “friend” because of a variety of factors, including your willingness to confront head-on what is happening. A better first step is for you to remove yourself from the close relationship with your “friend” by looking to join other work groups within your company and starting with building new relationships. Now that you are aware of keeping your distance you can start a fresh relationship with new colleagues and being cautious in how you build new relationship in this group.
3. If joining another work-group is not workable, try slowly changing your relationship with your “friend” by first dealing with more benign issues that arise in your everyday interactions. Once you develop your confidence in standing on your own, build your immunity to deal with their arguments, you can ratchet up your narrative and start being increasingly direct and forthright about what is bothering you and how you plan to disabuse your relationship with them.
4. Keep your relationship with your “friend” strictly on business terms. Do not engage in gossip or rumors and if they initiate such dialog excuse yourself quickly from such discussions by saying, Oh! I need to send an email for someone who is waiting, etc.
5. As you start distancing yourself from everyday interactions with your “friend” they may respond by trying to make up by asking you to lunch or coffee. Without saying no, see if you can buy some time before you get sucked into such a trap.
6. If your “friend” enjoys a strong relationship with your boss and the higher-ups, do not go to your boss or others complaining about the problems you have with them. You can safely assume that any discussion will filter back to your “friend,” making it more difficult for you to deal with the issue on your own. Take charge and start asserting your voice to disabuse the off-track relationship.
7. Start building relationships with others in your work group and keep them growing on the right footing. Once your “friend” sees that in addition to your increasing distance with them you’re also nurturing relationships with others they will start getting the message.
8. Many are tempted to leave their job when such relationships become increasingly toxic and unbearable. Often, my advice to clients in such dire situations is that running away from a problem to which they contributed is not going to change things for them even in a new job; the same pattern will repeat after a while. I urge them to deal with the situation where they are and to conquer it before they decide to move on.
9.  Yet another avenue to assert your independence, in addition to the above, is to demonstrate strong job performance on your own. Once you start getting recognition as a strong performer your “friend’s” grip on your relationship becomes less important.
10. If none of these suggestions work after your valiant efforts, then try looking for an outside job, and when you start your new job be vigilant about building new relationships in light of this experience.

Good luck!